Eminem “We Made You”
And people thought “Just Lose It” was bad.
When word got out that Eminem was making his return last fall, did anybody else wonder “Why?”. There just didn’t seem to be a need to hear more goofy, celeb-bashings over nursery rhyme beats, suffer through the latest chapter in his “I love Kim”/ “I hate Kim” personal soap opera, or listen to another one of those depressing, “nobody understands me” type of records. Hell, just the thought of his nasally voice was enough to make one wish that he would just stay in retirement, only to re-appear for Lifetime Achievement Award honors and leave us a little soggy-eyed with some on-stage performance of “My Name Is…” or “Lose Yourself”.
Then there arrived “Crack A Bottle” with it’s sick Dr. Dre instrumental and re-pairing of Em and protegee Fiddy, and suddenly, the on-coming of Relapse didn’t seem as bad anymore. But wha…? Turns out “Bottle” wasn’t even a real single, just a prematurely leaked concoction that the labels scrambled to make an official digital download so as not to lose any dough.
What do we get instead as the true jump-off joint? The dreaded return of Slim Shady (Yes he’s back….back again…groan) doing what he does best: unleashing fart noises, erection jokes (“Damn girl, I’m beginning to sprout an Alfalfa”) and making US Today front page favorites squirm.
While no one’s bagged on too harshly in “We Made You”‘s lyrics (signs of a matured Slim?), there are plenty of name-drops to be offered as Em attempts to woo Britney Spears, Jessica Alba and Jennifer Aniston and longs for a de-lesbian-ed Lindsay and Portia over the expected daffy score.
Yeah, the whole thing is as ho-hum as that previous paragraph reads and re-affirms the idea that his last album Encore initially planted in our minds: Eminem just feels so old hat right now. In an everything-instant era when every moment of our lives are detailed in 140-characters-or-less blurbs and our attention gravitates elsewhere with the speed of a “Refresh” click, hearing zingers on pop culture figures from two or three months ago (that aren’t even all that funny) just isn’t cutting it.
We’d rather hear Marshall Mathers-soundalike Asher Roth rap about boobies and keg parties than this…and that’s sad. Let’s just hope that the heretofore un-heard innards of Relapse will make this whole comeback thing worth it.
Pre-order Relapse, available May 19th, here.
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